My sweet boy Jackson. My heart goes out to him so much. He just wants to me to cuddle or sit with all the time and it's so hard because of Johnny and Allie. I miss my days when it was just me and him. I have such mom guilt when it comes to Jackson, I know he doesn't get the time he deserves with me and it hurts. He says all the time why does there have to be three of us and why couldn't it just be me him and dad. Oh baby boy, you will understand when you are older.

He loves to play video games and do arts and crafts. He can be the sweetest boy one moment and crazy the next. He is a "night owl" he likes to say because he will stay up so late, but then in the morning when we have to leave to go to school or somewhere it's like pulling teeth to get him ready and out the house. He can be exhausting but the love he has is the best. We got a kitten a few weeks ago and that is his baby and the kitten loves him so much.

Johnny and Allie

Johnny and Allie have a connection and bond that never occurred to me when I was pregnant with Allie that would develop. I always thought that it would be Jackson and Johnny. Thinking back with those two they would play and fight, but I don't remember them really bonding the way Johnny and Allie have. 

My heart goes out to Jackson because he is a little older and can do more for himself he doesn't get as much attention as he deserves and it shows. He is so angry sometimes and always says he wishes it was just him with me and my husband, breaks my heart. I really need to start going out with just him more and hopefully that will help with his mood. 

Because Jackson is so independent he is usually playing video games or watching youtube.  I spend more time with Johnny and Allie or should I say they hang around me more... those two are at the cutest age right now and I would like to share a few things that I never want to forget because you know mom brain and I will for sure...

*How Allie wraps her arm around my neck and gives me the best hug

*How Johnny will say MOMMY with his hands wide open and give me a big hug...and now Allie does it sometimes too

*How when I pull up to the house and Allie and Johnny are standing at the front window waiting for me and when I walk into the house they are so excited and say Mommy!

*How Allie will tell me how she is ready for bed and say lay with me

*How Johnny always says I love you too before I've said I love you to him

*How Allie says I love that about random things

Johnny and Allie are two peas in a pod, you can usually find them playing together or up to no good together. Allie is almost potty trained and loves to wear her undies. She has been peeing on her own and even a couple of turds...lol.

Johnny pooped on the toilet for the first time the other day so he gets a toy, we ordered it and I picked it up, he's been pooping in the toilet ever since! It's very exciting Allie is almost potty trained and I won't have to buy diapers anymore!!!

The struggle is real...

Please forgive me if this post is a little all over the place.

The struggle is real, my last baby will be two in less than a week and I still have at least 25 pounds to lose to be really comfortable with my body.  I have so many feeling about this, I'm disappointed with myself because I know I could have lost it by now if I really tried. At the same time I try to give myself grace, I know I had 3 kids in 4 years. and I really feel like a lot of it comes down to genetics.

I've tried so many different "diets" and they've worked for me for a short time, I have such a hard time staying consistent. I've been yoyo-ing 10 pounds the last year. I want to find a way to lose weight a healthy way, but still able to eat what I want. I do know I need to practice more self control and eating with moderation. I eat my emotions, happy, sad, mad, bored, ect.

It's so hard when you are on social media to not compare yourself to other women. So I've been thinking how am I going to do this. This is the year 2018 is the year you are going to lose the weight. No more excuses!

I've learned that I can't drink coke, it's all or nothing for me, I can't stop at one :( I will need to cut out candy and chips. I've been eating them so much lately, also eating out...I think I'm going to start with this first. I'm going to try and eat 1500 calories a day.

Since July I've been working out 5 days a week going to jazzercise. I know I'm getting stronger, maybe losing some inches, but my weight hasn't really changed.

July 4th 2017

December 31st 2017

I can't tell a whole lot of difference in the two pictures and it makes me sad that all my hard work at the gym is not as noticeable as I would like because of my diet. I really want to change this year so as soon as my period is over ( I started this morning) I'm going to be on point...80/20 at least. I have the next couple of days off so I'm going to plan some meals, go grocery shopping and find healthier ways to my cravings. I don't want to always feel down on myself and I'm the only one who can make the changes.

So to all the other mom's out there that are struggling you're not alone! I'm right here with you. Our genetics aren't the best, we like junk food more than healthy food, we have a crazy schedule or whatever. We are not alone and we can do this. We are the only ones who can, and just remember it really comes down to calories in calories out.